According to the NFL's schedule, the Green Bay Packers will play the Indianapolis Colts at the Hall of Fame Game on Aug. 7.
But they're lying. It's a lie the league will perpetuate for an entire month, and it's a lie that could hurt your fantasy team.
To be clear, the Packers will not play the Colts. Guys in Packers uniforms and helmets will run around on a field with other guys in Colts uniforms and helmets. Referees will keep score using the rules used by the NFL when games are played. The "game" isn't important, and the "players" aren't that important, either. Most will be coaching high school ball or selling insurance in a few months. Nothing wrong with either profession, of course. But they won't help you win a fantasy title.
A select few will make the cut and play on special teams or hold a clipboard during real games. Again, no disrespect to someone talented enough to get that far. But we don't play fantasy make-a-nice-living-as-a-backup. We play fantasy football, and there won't be much football worth watching on Aug. 7.
The preseason is a month-long sham of pretend football that lets coaches install their system using cheap talent to absorb punishment during camp and game simulations. They also get to evaluate players on the bubble, and the league makes more money. Marginal players fight for roster spots, veterans try very hard not to get hurt and starters watch the vast majority from the sidelines. None of it counts.
The media, of course, will hype and report on the games like they matter. Maybe they're practicing, too. Beat writers have to shake off the rust, I guess. But the whole thing is a charade. It's a soggy, bland appetizer before the meal you've been wanting for months.
The counter-argument is, of course: So what? Why do you have to be such a football Grinch, Michael? Everybody knows it's not a real game, but it's something. Why not just enjoy a little taste of football, scout some players and see how the teams look? Real players will play a bit, especially in the third game. Rookies need the reps, and these guys are just an injury away from starting. We could see them on the field this year. So what's the big deal?
The big deal is you know it's not real, but your brain doesn't. You see a guy plowing through a defense and it looks like he can play running back. In the fourth quarter, you see a player sack the quarterback at will and you think he can actually sack a quarterback. You know it's not real, but your brain sees the helmets and uniforms, and it seeps in. The guys can play; the team looks good. The rookie receiver who's catching everything in the second half is a real sleeper. They young quarterback looks great in August. It matters, right?
No. It doesn't. Running over future Arena Football players doesn't mean anything in the NFL. Shredding backup linemen in August means nothing in September. Embarrassing a team's fifth corner doesn't make you a sleeper. And if you pay too much attention, it can hurt you on draft day. Because you'll remember the breakout preseason phenom. You'll recall the catches that don't count. Later in your draft you'll have all this phony stuff in your head, mixing in with the good, valuable stuff. And that's not a recipe for success.
That's why I don't watch the preseason. I've watched maybe 30 minutes of it over the past five years, all in 90-second chunks. Usually I just want to see updated uniforms. I watched a few extra minutes when the Buccaneers did that, because I wanted to see how they looked (not great). But other than that, I generally ignore those games. And it hasn't hurt my fantasy game at all.
But wait, you say. Every year we see important information come out of the preseason: Injuries, demotions, players just not getting it done. And there are legitimate guys who shine in the preseason and make a name for themselves when the games really count. Not many. Maybe just one or two. But they're there, so how can I afford to miss them?
The answer is, I don't. I have the news. I have the internet and Twitter, so I don't miss any injury or notable event. And for those one or two breakout players, and other valuable insight, I have Ian Allan.
Ian watches the preseason. All of it. I think that, deep down, he might actually like it. I don't want to look for that fantasy needle in the preseason haystack. So I happily rely on his opinions and information. If there's a player worth remembering, he'll find him. And I get to do other things. That "Fallout 4" DLC on Playstation 4 isn't going to play itself, you know.
So yes, there are a probably going to be a couple of guys worth noting from the preseason. But you could watch hours of it and not find what you need. I strongly suggest you let Ian do it. Your mind won't be clouded by fake football, and you'll still get the relevant information that might help you with your draft or auction.
Of course, if you love the preseason, keep watching it. I'm not trying to ruin your fun. I'm just trying to help you make the best use of your time, and the preseason is definitely not part of that plan. Watch it if you must, but try not to look too closely. You might start to believe you're watching football.
Am I crazy to not watch the preseason? Are you able to differentiate between the meaningful and the meaningless? Is it worth watching just because it's football? Share your thoughts below.